Buffy

06:01 pm: New Blog

I've started a new blog I'm really excited about. If anyone ever sees this please go to
 
http://doubledogdaremywillpower.blogspot.com/

and check it out. :)

 

06:27 am:  Penis

06:47 am: Mind Control
So...I said I should fucking be in charge...and now I am in charge. I should say more things like that. Hmmm. I am so awesome that I should *fucking* win millions of dollars. Yeah? Lets see if this works. It worked with work. I'm the lead Alley Cat...and now I'm going to be a millionaire. Crazy. 

04:41 pm: Here I am World
I am so going to get a record deal.

10:21 am: Holy Fuck I'm A Whiney Bitch
Awesome. I just read most of my old posts on here...jesus fing tap dancing whores I'm annoying. I just finished one where I was whining about not being good enough to be an Alley Cat, and now I'm like...fuck it I'm the best one up there...I should freaking be in charge.I don't feel like an ego maniac saying that either because its the truth. I can't believe I'm so different after two years. I mean I'm still a whiney annoying brat, I just whine about different things. Plus I grew some self esteem. I want to go back in time and punch myself. Of course I'll probably be saying this two years from now about this post. Eh. Whatever. 

blah blah blah blah I'm a dirty whore.

09:42 am: YWABMW
My childhood was horrible. Why do I miss it so much?

10:04 am: everyone I wish I was
I could be just like you
beyond your lies and your proof

I could be just like you
nobody really needs the truth

We could be rainy days
I could escape in the palm of your pain

I could be just as free
as long as the cage is kept clean

We could make power plays
who could ever say no to such a beautiful face

I could be tied to your side
and when the rain comes in I'd know where to hide

We could play make believe
my heart will fit right there on your sleeve

I could be new again
if there was no me there'd be no need to pretend

I am your jealousy
just the bend in the plot that no one can see

I could be in your teeth
give a smile and a sparkle and a hand to a thief

We could share a soul
selling out just never gets old

I could be just like you...

07:41 am: Best Friends.....Forever?
I woke up a few hours ago from a dream that was giant echo of my thoughts lately... I guess thats what dreams are actually, big beautiful echos. Lately I've been thinking, where do friends go? I've had many people come into my life, change me, touch me in ways that no one else could, and just bring things into my life that are what now makes me... me. Theres only one problem with that. Those friends aren't friends anymore. So I get to thinking...How do we end up losing eachother? Have we been rejected? Or did we simply just push them away? There are people who I used to spend every waking hour thinking of or talking to, and now when we see eachother in public there isn't even a simple hello uttered. These are the people who know some of our deepest secrets, our best inside jokes, our most embarassing moments, and we're to scared to make eye contact. Would it be so bad? Are we scared of ruining our memory of who they were with what they are now? I'm never sure what it really is...but I'm really really dying to know how this happened in the first place. How do you just STOP being best friends? Just like that. One day they are your world, and the next they don't even remember your phone number. Do we just get tired? Lazy? Do we really change that much? I keep trying to remember specifics of different people and how we lost touch, but it all just seems to be blurry. I wonder if its like that for them too. I wonder if they get frustrated when we don't say hello or if I've simply just become another unrecognizable face in the crowd. There are people from my past who I think about almost daily, some of them I'm scared of, some I wish would call, some I just want to know are still alive. How can such deep connections just fade away? Was there a fight I don't remember? Did you learn all you needed too and just move on to someone else? People need people to survive, to develop,to stay sane even. So why do we cut these connections? WHY CAN'T THE WHOLE WORLD JUST BE FRIENDS!?!? Damn, I have more questions now than when I started thinking about this. When I'm thinking it just drives me crazy how we can be so cold and forgetful. Things were beautiful... Shouldn't we want to hold onto that? If I had never met you...I wouldn't be the person I am today....that's a big freaking deal. Who would I be? Don't you deserve more than a small glance now. Don't I?

Hello :)

03:00 am: Prozac?
Uhh...I've probably said a bunch of this shit before, but its just how I feel...again...or maybe I never stopped feeling it...whatever...just deal


Yeah so...I can't really afford thearpy anymore, or anything else for that matter, so I'm just going to do all my whining here and hope for the best. If you don't like whining you probably don't want to read this...ever.

Every other day I just can't help but think that I don't belong at my job. Its totally a confidence thing and I'm afraid I may never have any confidence. I try. I think I might have even improved a little, but things still go around in my head...and I'm always holding back. I work with some really talented people, some really outgoing people, and that actually makes me feel worse about myself. I just look around and think "what the hell am I doing here?", and I feel like the audience is thinking the same thing. Its like why is that girl singing that when there is someone who could sing it much better. Its little things like that that keep running me into the ground. I also have outside issues with myself that have been there every since I can remember. I have always had a big problem with my weight, every since I was like 7 or 8. I've always either been too skinny or too fat, and never ever satisfied. I am a walking eating disorder. Fuck it I'm a walking mental patient. I don't know why they ever let me out. I might as well be locked up, I'd probably be happier. I look outside and inside and all I see is icky, no matter what anyone says I'm never going to be good enough for me. I'm surrounded by beautiful people all the time, and I feel like I'm being swallowed whole. Its like I don't matter because I don't add up. When I was little my mom used to tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, yes she had her moments, and when I look in the mirror and I don't see the most beautiful girl in the world I feel like I've failed, I feel like I shouldn't show my face because its just a gigantic let down. So I've always had these feelings, they are a part of me no matter how hard I try or what anyone says. Sometimes on stage I want to say something, but I'm frozen. I'm frozen with the fear of rejection I know I deserve. And I get so scared because I think "is this it? Is this all I'm going to ever be?" Just a scared little girl, a failure, an annoyance. Sometimes I think I'd give anything just to go back to my childhood and be able to change things, to stand up to all those kids who called me names, to undo all the damage caused by my mother, to be someone other that this. Maybe no one ever changes. I'm meant to be frozen, I'm meant to be no one. I was given this great chance to have my job, and yes its only a karaoke show, but singing has always been so important to me, maybe thats why not belonging hurts so much...I feel like I can't do what I am so passionate about, and it breaks my heart into pieces. How can I ever have what it takes when negitive self esteem is all I've ever had. I can joke around, and sometimes I can fake it with the best of them, but my head is what keeps me far away from it. What if they don't laugh...what if they don't clap....what if I really am just a big joke?

Grr. Also tonight I got cut at like 12 and I didn't even get to work until 7:45. That really really pisses me off because the manager specifically said to cut me! Why me?! I was one of the last people to get there...shouldn't he have cut someone who got there like at 5:45? Doesn't that make more sense? I know he freaking hates me. Everyone is like blah blah he likes everyone. Bullfuckingshit. I was working hard tonight. I don't know what his deal is. I guess he agress with my theory that I don't belong there. Maybe no one likes me. I don't have a best friend, I haven't for years. I keep feeling like everytime anything comes out of my mouth people can't stand it. Like I'm a big huge dork and people only pretend to like me sometimes because they feel bad for me. Well fuck that. I don't know how to be more likeable. I wish I did. I have no people skills. I'm so worried that people are just constantly sitting there judging me that I just shit out of my mouth, or I freeze. I just wanna be loved. I just want to be one of those people that everyone gets excited to see and then runs up to give them a big hug. Heh...thats so silly but It'd just be nice. I just want someone to wonder one day "What is Tiffany up to?" and then maybe give me a call. I'm sure deep down everyone wants these things, they are so simple. Its crazy because there are so many people who I see as better than me and I would do anything to get them to pay attention but I don't want to use anyone. Argg...I'm so off every track. I have no idea where I started. I feel like a giant, like the jolly green ugly ass fat giant. I feel swollen in my own skin, and its not getting anymore comfy. I'm like seasame street...something here is not like the others something here doesn't belong.

I need another job too. I've filled out a couple applications, but nothing yet. We barely have money to cover our bills. I didn't realize how much being an adult was going to suck. I miss Matt being in the air force, that was so nice, and not just because of the good salad on base. Hardeeharhar. If he was still in I could get these damn lymph nodes checked out that have been swollen for 4 months, yes kids 4 months. I try not to touch them because sometimes I just get so scared I start to cry. Sometimes I joke about how it would be ok to have cancer cuz then I might lose some weight, or I could wear cool wigs, but I'm really just terrified. Maybe its nothing. I wont know until I can actually afford to go to the doctor, so everyone cross your fingers. Ok yes I am just a breath of fresh air...I'm going to stop now before I infect everyone else with this negitivity...oh too late? Sorry.

I love everyone :)

06:35 am: I peed in your pool
Today was really fun.
I feel unusual because my antidepressants are making me hairy.

I'm so happy. I just found out that I have been accepted into Harvard. And Yale. I don't know which to choose... oh, why is life so hard sometimes?

Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.

I want to tell the world that I'm gay.

I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.

I want to say thanks to the academy for giving me this award.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, and should stop smoking drugs.

Penis

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06:56 am: meow
Post your name and

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie/book/fictional character/SOMETHING reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of pudding to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. Well, maybe just me.
5. I'll tell you my favorite memory of you, should I have one yet.
6. I'll tell you what animal or plant you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. (Por favor)

06:52 am: I am so going through withdrawls

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Willowisms by Adverseria
Username
Willowism	That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Buffy Threesome (With Pictures) by srb4887
Screen name:
Birthday
Threesome with
and
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05:52 am: A Hole In The World
She's turning sour
She's turning blue
Its only flesh that keeps her inside of you
She'll be in your arms fading by the hour
And yes you'll try to save
But time always held the power

Don't you love the way she sways
Don't you wish that she could stay
Here beside you, bleeding
Tumbling into the blue

She's turning hollow and you're wanting lies
Her soul you find is lost
Her body is all that cries
Don't you love the way she thinks
As you watch her last breath sink
Nothing could be more true
Inside the shell you're used to

Don't you love the way she sways
Don't you wish that she could stay
Here beside you, bleeding
Tumbling into the blue

If gods could find a reason
Inside your circle of treason
Maybe she'd sway with you
Maybe she could stay with you
Destiny is dignity at least your final dream came true

I just wrote that...uhh yay or something

04:49 am: sleepy poem song thing
Ok I wrote this poem/song thing while I was half way asleep last night. I thought of words and they just kept bugging me and bugging me until I had to finally write them down so I could get all the way to sleep :) So I decided to share since I haven't really written anything in a long while. Don't make fun.

And there I was just staring at the ceiling
Thinking "its ok, these are only my feelings"
Wondering if my heart is really beating anymore
I've just been standing at the door

Fake it... this is how
You'd tell me and I'd have no doubt
But it seems I don't know who you are
And now I'm just living off a scar

The Magic and Mirrors its all getting clearer
When it comes around I make it go around
Screaming always seems louder in the dark
Maybe it was never up to me to keep feeding that spark

Fake it... you show me how
You'd tell me and I'd have no doubt
But it seems we don't know who we are
And now I'm just living off a scar

Over and over in the middle of the night
I'd scream 'till you'd scream
You could never understand why I shutter at the light
Fire and red
Beyond the cross
Its only our differences that could never be lost

Fake it... like it is now
You'd tell me and I'd have no doubt
But it seems we were always destined to fall apart
And Now I'll be forever living off a scar

02:25 pm: On Call?!?!?!
Ok F that...it seems I'm not allowed to be upset in my live journal anymore because I am the most awesomest popularest fucking badassest person ever. The end.

03:22 am: I haven't slept for 10 days....cuz that would be too long
You fuckers go here

http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=19019232&Mytoken=20050619041752

01:16 am: Stealing
1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.

2. I will then tell what song/movie reminds me of you.

3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.

4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.

6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.

8. Put this in your journal.

I saw this in someones journal that I don't know and I wanted it all for myself :)
Does my journal seem at all manic depressive to anyone?
Err does anyone even read this shit?

12:33 am: ALL THAT JAZZ
Ok... I want to get everything out but its all going around so fast I don't even know where to start. I wish there was just some sort of magic that could just fucking fix me, maybe some magic pill or potion that makes everything ok, and me ok with myself for once in my damned life. I try and try to self analyze but I'm not really sure why I'm like this, why I hate me. I'm not even sure if I'm a real person anymore. Do I have a personality? Sometimes I think I'm too busy looking to other people to see how to act I get completely lost. I AM NEVER FUCKING COMFORTABLE! I hate my skin, my clothes, my body, my teeth, my eye sight, my hearing, my voice, my thoughts, my feelings it just all makes my skin crawl. God, I just want to vomit! So, I got this new job as an alley cat, and my job is to entertain, dance around,sing, be silly , and have a good time. I'M FUCKING PETRIFIED!!! I'm not the greatest dancer, but I feel like I can hardly move. I feel like everyone is pointing and staring and laughing, or maybe they aren't paying attention at all! Maybe I'm mother fucking invisible!!!! How can you entertain when you're invisible?!?! And who the hell wants to be invisible!?!? I might be having a mental breakdown sometime soon. I feel so damned inferior to EVERYONE! I sure picked a bad time to quit taking my medicine, but I don't want to blame it on that. Its all in my head right? I never feel good enough for anything. Do people even like me? I think I might be a little annoying, or maybe a lot annoying. Maybe I smell or have bad hair or I'm fat or I act like an ass or I tell bad jokes that no one gets. Why does all this shit constantly run through my head? I don't mean to be a whiney bitch but whatthefuckever. I'm good enough I'm smart enough and god damnit why don't people like me? Today I couldn't even introduce someone singing a song....how god damned witty do you have to be for that? I'm just BLANK. This is my reward for being an anti social nerd with absolutely no social life whatsoever. I need to figure out who I am and let go with that...Does anyone know?! At All? I can't even remember if I'm funny anymore because there is no one to laugh when I tell a joke. dskiahjf;dlkfj;lskdjf;lkasj AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh I'm done for now...there's just too much in here for me to translate it all :(

11:03 pm: Hello Skimpy Outfits and Singing For M O N E Y
Well I am officially an Alley Cat! I was so happy when I got the call, it was kind of crazy. When the guy called I was asleep and I was actually dreaming that I had just gotten a call telling me that they wanted me for the job. I think that was my first prophetic dream, the first one that was literal anyways. When I was told they wanted me I was like AWESOME and I proceeded to jump up and down around the house.

I knew that I had done well at the audition but I never know what other people are thinking I mean really, how can you? I have such a horrible confidence issue. I'm trying to do the self-talking thing and its working a bit, I just need to realize that people can only hurt me or effect me if I let them. I always feel like I'm awkward...looking...sounding...feeling and it makes me horribly uncomfortable. I'm so fucking self deprecating its pathetic, anything I can say thats good about myself I can turn around of think of something that makes it invalid and even worse. Maybe this job will help a little. I just hope I don't freeze up.

11:01 pm:

You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets. </td> Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder 67% Unipolar Depression 67% Eating Disorders 50% Borderline Personality Disorder 42% Antisocial Personality Disorder 8% Schizophrenia 0% Which mental disorder do you have? created with QuizFarm.com

This is correct but a little off...I don't take Zoloft anymore...it made me a bitch...now its Celexa...yum
Also I've actually been diagnosed with the top three I scored in at some point during my life...CrAzY